Last month, on August 27th, my due date for my first pregnancy passed.
I have to say...it wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be. It was during the weekend of the hurricane and I had just spent the week down the shore with my family.
That entire week (up until the part where we got evacuated a day early) was FUN. I relaxed, I shopped and I spent so much time with my nephews. I just really enjoyed myself in the few days leading up to what I imagined would be a very difficult day.
My due date loomed over my head for the past several months and I think the anticipation of it was worse than the actual day. I stayed in the entire day with D although we did do something early on in the day (before the weather got all crazy) to honor the little one we never got to meet. It was a sad day but it was manageable.
It's been reassuring to know just how far I've come in the last 7 months. I still think about it every single day, but it doesn't automatically reduce me to tears every time. I can talk about it, whether it's with my doctor or a friend, without falling apart. This is how I measure my progress.
I still imagine how different my life would be today if I had never lost that little one. I'd have a baby right now. I might be putting him or her to sleep, or changing a diaper.
But instead, I'm settling in for the night (all alone because D is away in Indiana) because I have work tomorrow morning. I started school a couple weeks ago and it's back to reading, writing and...different kinds of due dates. :)
I've never felt more grateful for the constant distractions. The beginning of the school year is always the most stressful but it's a relief to have other things (or people) fighting for my attention. There's very little room left to dwell.
I know dwelling will only bring me down. So I'm trying my hardest to move forward. And I think it's best to start here. I will always love my little one that I lost but I can't allow myself to be defined by this.
I'm looking forward to having much more to write about in the months to come but I do want to share one last thing... This is one of my favorite poems. It was read at my wedding but has taken on a whole new meaning for me these past few months. And with that, I hope to close this chapter of my life and open a new one.
"i carry your heart with me" by e.e.cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)