Friday, August 5, 2011

'Tis better to have loved and lost..."

You know the saying... It's basically a positive spin on what is an otherwise heartbreaking experience. It's better to have had something or someone that you loved at least once in your life... Better to have been able to experience that joy... Better to have had the opportunity to feel true love even if it was temporary... Certainly much better than the opposite: to never have experienced it at all. I've been wondering how this applies to my situation for many months now.

Is it better to have had this precious, albeit fleeting, moment as a mother? Couldn't I cherish those 10 weeks and think of them as what may possibly have been the best 10 weeks of my life? Wouldn't it be the "half glass full" thing to do?

I struggle with this. I struggle with it daily but I always seem to go back to the same idea.

No. For me, right now, in the aftermath of a traumatizing experience, I can whole heartedly admit that it was not better to "have loved and lost." I would much rather have never "loved at all."

Yes, what I am saying is I sometimes oftentimes wish my pregnancy never happened. And to clarify, that's not to say I never want children. I do. But I wish this pregnancy, the one that ended with ME losing, never occurred.

I didn't just lose a baby on January 31, 2011. I lost so many things that come along with it. The initial excitement (when I find out I am pregnant again)... The idea that everything will go smoothly and my pregnancy will end with a baby... I want to be naive again. I don't want to be jaded.

But although there were some things that I lost on January 31st, some of them are slowly being returned to me.

Hope for one... I do feel like this will happen for me again. I have a renewed sense of hope, although it isn't as overwhelming as when we first started trying. But it's there. And it counts for something.

I am motivated again to do something other than be at home succumbing to depression. I joined a gym this week. And I've gone everyday thus far. And I've actually DONE something while there. I shocked myself.

Sidenote: (You may be wondering why I am shocked... See what some of you may not know is...I use to WORK for this gym. Do you know what the perks are for working at a gym? You get to go to it. For free. You don't pay a dime. In the year or so that I spent working at this gym, do you think I took advantage of this fabulous perk? Nope. Not at all. AND, I worked there for the last 9 months or so before my wedding. I certainly had REASON enough to go. Alas, I did not. And now I must pay to go. But I'm going. And I will keep going because it is making me feel so much better than I have in a very long time. Okay back to what I was rambling about...)

Peace and an overall relief of some of the stress has been returned to me as well. This is what I am most thankful for. Because, since January, I haven't felt at peace with myself. My mind has been the never ending internal monologue... nonstop... for months. I've been stressed out with worry, concern, anger, bitterness, depression, anxiety, fear...and all the thoughts that come along with those feelings. I couldn't escape any of it. There was no way to "just relax" as I've been told time and time again.

But I did finally relax. I can't say it was something that I worked at. It just happened. I just noticed one morning while sitting at a doctor's office (for someone OTHER than myself...WINNING) how incredibly relaxed and calm I had been feeling.

I've had my miscarriage support group, I've had time, I've had lots of cardio workouts... Do all of these things add up to relaxation? Who knows? All I know is I am soaking it all up for now. It's been a while since I've felt this way and I'd like to enjoy every minute of it.

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