Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"I 'squoze' so hard I stopped your heart from beating."

Even before we found out I was pregnant we had been toying with the idea of moving. Our one bedroom apartment was old news and we were so over not having enough space to live. And tripping over each other in a cramped space just wasn't an option anymore after we saw those two pink lines.

Off to Craig's List we went to find an apartment that fit us, our stuff, our baby and our budget. And eventually we found one

Needless to say, after making this major change to accommodate our new life and new addition, we had lots of shopping to get started on. 

The Sunday after we had the less-than-stellar-ultrasound, we had gone shopping for a new refrigerator. Regardless of what happened at that appointment and what would happen at our viability scan, we were committed to this move. As of February 28th, 2011 we no longer had a place to live where we were and we had already signed a lease for this big, beautiful, new apartment. We had no choice but to keep on truckin'.

In the midst of our shopping experience, it was clear this miscarriage was happening. The physical signs were all there. I was bleeding. In the middle of a home improvement store bathroom. While my husband perused the stainless steel refrigerator aisle.

Caught off guard can not even describe that moment. I kept my cool but internally I was freaking out. I did not know what to expect or when to expect it. I am grateful that nothing major went down that day and I was able to drive myself home quickly. I don't even want to imagine what I'd be typing right now had things progressed inside that store.

After speaking with my doctor he decided to move up my viability scan to the following morning. Yet another day off of work. With this new development, I can't say I wasn't relieved. The thought of physically losing my baby at work was even more horrifying than the home improvement store scenario. 

Going into the hospital that next morning was again surreal. I should be at work. I should be enjoying my pregnancy. I should be packing the maternity clothes I had recently purchased with the rest of my belongings. I should be writing in my pregnancy journal that my sister got me when I told her the good news. I should be anywhere but here... But alas, I was headed to the hospital to get the final verdict: healthy pregnancy or a confirmed miscarriage.

Although I knew in my heart what the outcome would be, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a little hope. Maybe my little one was a procrastinator...a procrastinator in the "growing" department. Maybe he/she got a little bigger and worked on beating his/her heart as fast as he/she could. Stranger things have happened right? Miracles happen. They happen all the time.

Unfortunately, this one wasn't our miracle. I was given an ultrasound on the most high tech equipment I've ever seen. My insides were on display on what looked like a huge flat screen TV. 

And, I was given that ultrasound in complete, utter, stone silence. Eye contact was not made. My simple question of "Is that my baby right there?" went unanswered. Twice. And then at the end of it all, the tech would not confirm what she had or had not seen and heard. I was forced to wait for the phone call from my doctor.

The phone call came at 5pm. We lost our little one on Monday, January 31st, 2011 at 10 weeks 2 days. Simply put? The baby had no heart beat. 

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